Sometimes it's easier to feel like I'm admitting something about myself that may not necessarily be true, instead of not being so hard on myself. I am hard work. I am more than 40 hours a week AND I'm a volunteer position. Sounds exhausting doesn't it? Who would want that?
This week's entry is unplanned. I wrote it on Feb 4th, 2019. I felt it was important to write in the moment, especially in lieu of the last few days. It is a part of understanding mental illness and many things that may come along with it.
**Side Note: I spent one night writing my entire story. I get these manic moments where I have so much energy that I can get a lot of shit done. Feels great at the time. I had an idea to start this blog soon after my down-spiral here in North Carolina. It was weighing on my mind heavily. One night I couldn't sleep and I spent the next several hours writing out my timeline and most of the posts. I am not joking. So each week, I go to my Google Docs and I find the next post in my story. I look it over. I make sure I wasn't too drunk when I wrote it (KIDDING) and I post it. So yeah, this post was not written ahead of time like the others.**
I try my best not to transfer negativity to others, but this is just another part of my story that I know other people experience. I would be doing you a disservice if I wasn't honest with you. So, despite the mostly happy days that I've been having, I get some pretty shitty ones. Like the last few days. And they suck. I'm not myself. It just hits me. It's as if I have no control over the steering wheel. No matter how hard I try to veer off in a different direction it just doesn't work.
Have you heard of Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)? Well, I emailed my psychiatrist this past week because it's important I tell him when I have these shitty times. He mentioned the possibility of PMDD in his email. It's not something we've discussed yet, but we will at my next appointment. Anyways, there's a good chance I fit into that category. No, I'm not diagnosing myself or adding something else onto my plate and wanting people to feel sorry for me. It's reality and it's important that I'm real about my health. My goal is to learn how to manage it after all. Eventually I will have control. See, that's positive?!
So what is PMDD? Hopkins Medicine says, Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a much more severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). It may affect women of childbearing age. It’s a severe and chronic medical condition that needs attention and treatment. Lifestyle changes and sometimes medicines can help manage symptoms.
The exact cause of PMDD is not known. It may be an abnormal reaction to normal hormone changes that happen with each menstrual cycle. The hormone changes can cause a serotonin deficiency. Serotonin is a substance found naturally in the brain and intestines that narrows blood vessels and can affect mood and cause physical symptoms.
While any woman can develop PMDD, the following may be at an increased risk:
Symptoms of PMDD appear during the week before menstruation and end within a few days after your period starts. These symptoms disrupt daily living tasks. Symptoms of PMDD are so severe that women have trouble functioning at home, at work, and in relationships during this time. This is markedly different than other times during the month.
The following are the most common symptoms of PMDD:
**Actually, I'm only going to list a few because there are a shit-ton**
Psychological: irritability, nervousness, lack of control, agitation, anger, insomnia, difficulty in concentrating, depression, severe fatigue, anxiety, confusion, crying spells, poor self-image, paranoia and more. There are also others such as gastrointestinal, skin problems, neurological and vascular, fluid retention, respiratory, vision issues, and other complaints.
HOLY SHIT IS RIGHT! I told you, I'm a full-time job. I know what you're thinking; her poor wife. (I do have a sense of humor believe it or not). And if you're one of those people who thinks PMDD just means women become raging bitches, than you're mostly right. If my sister were here defending me she would tell you to "SUCK A D". Then I'd apologize.
It's easier to just tell myself that I'm friends with depression, anxiety, and PMDD. I guess I need to walk alongside them and find a way to cooperate. Maybe I could bribe them. Like a bunch of moms watching a bunch of toddlers bite each other as they steal each other's sippy cups. Another full time job, but a less negative and ridiculously funny way to look at it. In times like these humor can be the best medicine.
Can I put in my 2 weeks now?
Stay tuned next week for that phone call my wife had to make to my psychiatrist.
I just want all people to learn and grow together.